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European Space Agency announce launch date for new rocket design

The European Space Agency today announced the launch for its next-generation rocket will go ahead as planned on July 4th, 2005

Rocket Trajectory. Subject to change.

Following the unmitigated success of the Ariane project at testing the auto-destruct capabilities of multi-billion Euro rockets, the ESA has been working hard to prepare for the launch of the new Aithne rockets. The new multi-stage rockets are a modified Soviet ICBM design, with two added disjointed boost phase burners, and an increased payload capacity. Due to the standard mission template for ESA launches, the original payloads have been left intact as well as the standard scientific instrumentation. The rocket will be launched from a battleship in the Eastern Atlantic Ocean.

The planned trajectory will take it above the Eastern Seaboard of the USA at approximately 9pm, shortly after sunset. This should coincide with the expected malfunction and burn-up which officials hope will complement the days festivities in the United States.

European Launches. Sparkly.

NASA officials welcomed the news, saying "We were planning on throwing a big fireworks party to celebrate Independence Day, but now it seems our European buddies are playing at 'Rocket Scientist' again, so we won't have to."

Fears about the launch have been voiced by animal rights activists regarding the potential loss of life inflicted on the ill-fated mission's animal payload. Following several protests held today in significant arthropod communities, Dr. Walter P. Ossieman responded to our queries with the following statement: "It is vital for the future of our race, and scientific advancement, that we ascertain the relative effects of the atmosphere upon focused solar energies as pertaining to arthropodian lifespan. This experiment can only be carried out in the sort of orbits that this mission pretends towards." Detractors have suggested that mounting a magnifying glass over an ant farm and sending it towards the Sun will be of little scientific benefit.

The ESA will take donations on its website, or you can drop your recyclable tin-cans into collection bins in several branches of Asda-Walmart.

Technology | | author: Tom - 2005-06-23
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