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Bush intervenes over tube-fed Pope

US President George W. Bush is attempting to intervene in the growing controversy surrounding the Pope's feeding tube.

Following today's arguably tragic death of fundamentalist pro-life icon Terri Schiavo, the American right-wing Christian organisations have switched their focus to the Vatican.

The health of the pontiff has been in steady decline for years but has deteriorated significantly in recent months.

The Pope had throat surgery last month, gave a silent address to the Easter Crowds, and is now being fed through a nasal tube to aid his recovery.

Activistians

Feeding by nasogastric tube is the most common short-term method of getting food directly to a patient's stomach
Insertion involves passing a flexible plastic tube through the nostril, down the back of the throat and into the stomach
Removing is very swift, requiring merely a firm jerk.

This, say some, suggests that the underground anti-Papal movement is burgeoning, and there is a plot underway to have his feeding tube removed.

"They only put those tubes in for one reason. To remove them," said self-styled 'Activistian' Bobby-Su Connery, "First our beloved Terri, and now the head of our church. Is there nothing that the denizens of Be'elzebub will not do".

But proceedings are now underway for President Bush to become the legal spouse of the Pope in order to save his life.

"I feel strongly that if the country of Europe cannot be trusted to leave his meal-pipe in place," said the President in an impromptu address to the world,

"the only option left is to fly him to the USA, and we will be married in Ohio. I am told it is legal there."

He went on to attack those he saw as enemies of freedom, and to insinuate links between the Vatican underground, Al Quaeda, and British comedian Robbie Coltrane.

Robbie Coltrane is accused of spearheading assasination plans

Coltrane. Satanic.

Coltrane came under particular fire in the speech for his "open terrorist admissions and threats against the values of the Christian Church" for his part in the 1991 film 'The Pope Must Die' which the President described as "a manual of terror, and a roadmap to Satan". Blockbuster has subsequently removed the film from its back-catalogue of 3 movies.

It is not known if the pontiff has romantic designs on the US leader, but that is unlikely to matter.

"If these servants of the underworld will not reliquish the Pope to us, we may be forced to take decisive action" said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. "Donald Rumsfeld has assured me that our military is superior to that of the Vatican, and through the use of Overwhelming Flame And Terror^TM we will bring an end to this conflict. There will be no survivors. Repeat, no survivors.", adding later "..oh, except the Pope of course".

World News | USA | author: Tom - 2005-03-30
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